There’s a guy who lives in London. One morning, he hears a booming voice. The voice says, “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He ignores the voice, but can’t help thinking about this seemingly divine message. Later in the day, he hears the voice again. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” Again, he ignores the voice. Soon he hears the voice every minute of the day. “Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas.” He can’t take it anymore. He believes the voice. He quits his job, sells his house, takes all his money, and flies to Las Vegas. As soon as he steps off the plane, the voice says, “Go to theRio.” He goes to The Horseshoe. The voice says, “Put all your money into a World Series of Poker (WSOP) entry.” He puts up his $10,000 and buys an entry into the WSOP. He goes to his assigned tournament table. The first hand is dealt and the guy is dealt pocket Aces. The voice says, “Go all in.” He pushes his entire $10,000 bankroll into the pot. Three players call. The dealer lays down the flop which is Jh10h9h.
The voice says, “Damn!”
* * *
A couple of dog owners were arguing about how intelligent their pets were.
“The smartest dog I ever had,” said one of them, “was a German shepherd called Jack. He could play poker better than most people, but I eventually had him put to sleep.”
“You put him to sleep, a smart dog like that? I mean a dog such as that must be worth millions of dollars,” said the other man.
“I had to,” the first dog owner replied, “We caught him using marked cards!”
* * *
A woman walks into the living room and sees her brother playing poker with their dog.
“Wow!” she exclaimed, “You must have the smartest dog in the world!”
Her brother replies, “He’s not all that smart. I’ve beaten him 3 out of 5 games so far.”
* * *
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five players stand up.
Roberts looks around and asks, “Who is going to tell the wife?”
They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse than it is.
“Gentlemen! Discreet? I’m the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.”
Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door. Smith’s wife answers and asks what he wants.
Rippington says, “Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.”
She hollers, “TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!”
Rippington says, “I’ll tell him.”
* * *
A doctor answers his phone at home on a Friday night. His colleague says, “We need an eighth player for poker.” The doctor replied, “Hold on. I’ll be there ASAP.” As he was grabbing his coat and keys, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “It sure is,” he said. “There are already seven other doctors there!”
* * *
Poker is like sex… if you don’t have a good partner you better have a good hand.
* * *
There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of female coworkers who was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am.
One night she decided to try not to wake him. She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading.
“Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything?”
* * *
Some cowboys were playing poker in an Old West saloon. One of them laid down the winning hand, and another jumped up, yelling, “He’s cheatin! He aint playin the cards I dealt him!”
* * *
Did ya hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen French fries to a poker game?
Someone told her to bring her own chips.
* * *
A man comes home from his weekly poker game late. His annoying wife is waiting for him. “Where the heck have you been?” she asks.
“Sorry, but I lost you in a poker game. You’ll have to leave.”
“How did you manage that, you fool?”
“It wasn’t easy. I had to fold a royal flush.”
* * *
There are TWO secrets to success at Poker. Rule #1: Never tell your secrets.
* * *
What is the difference between a large pizza and a professional poker player?
The large pizza can feed a family of four.
* * *
A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This piques his curiosity, so he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.
The next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog just like everybody else. The dog acts in turn with all of the other players: calling, raising, discarding, and doing everything that the human players are doing.
Oddly, none of the other players seems to pay any mind to the fact that they are playing with a dog. They treat him just like any other player.
Finally, the man can no longer contain his curiosity, so between hands he says quietly to one of the human players, “I can’t believe that dog is playing poker! He must be the smartest dog in the world!”
The player smiles and says, “He’s not that smart. Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.”
* * *
Sometimes playing poker makes you want to cry, especially when you suffer a bad beat. But sometimes, it’s worth looking at the game of poker with a sense of humor. What better way is there to enjoy the game than telling a few poker jokes?
